Tired

I've been busy with a lot of things the past few months. I hate how school has the power to literally take over my life. I hate how it effortlessly takes away the time I am supposed to be spending with my family, my friends and the things I love the most. I hate that when it comes to school, I have no other choice but to deal with it, BECAUSE IT IS FOR MY FUTURE. The tiring days and sleepless nights seem to have no end.

The anxiety of me not fulfilling my hopes and dreams is what keeps me up at night. The thought of me not becoming a CPA on a well-established firm, pursuing my blogging career by getting featured at concert magazines, and travelling the world doing volunteer missions is just devastating. I need to do everything I wrote on my bucket list and I do not know if school will take me there. I know it is part of the system and I know that I need a degree to do what I love, but come to think of it, is it really necessary to give projects and useless requirements just to learn? I mean I came to school to learn, not to be an emotionless robot that does things whenever and whatever it is told to do. School is not a prison where everyone is thought to think the same and feel the same and to do this and to do that, and you shouldn't do this and you shouldn't do that--but sometimes I feel like I am in one. School shouldn't make me feel this way, school should be the first thing to inspire me when it comes to my education, instead, it just depresses me. Making me think, "AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH"?

Someday all these will pay off. I know they will. Someday I'll graduate and be out of the system as soon as possible. I don't want to be gray, I want to be all the colors I've imagined myself in when I was six. I want to be the person I want to meet. A goal-oriented, well-driven, adventurous yet compassionate successful woman. Funny that after typing that sentence the first image that popped into my head was my mom, I want to be like my mom.

I won't let school put me down. It's hard, but it's not impossible to accomplish. All those exams, the retention grade and the deadlines are just illusions. The real world would be probably way worse than this, or so I was told. But I just need to drop everything for a while. I need some rest from all the chaos.

I'll be fine, I can do this. I just need to take a break. I'll be okay.

RDM
12:05 PM
9 12 15

Dear Future Daughter

References:

Berlin art-parasites

Photo by: Kate Powell

appreciate the little things

One thing I love the most about random days is that they make you feel nostalgic. They make you realize how you have been ungrateful for the things you had, you have, and will get a hold of in the future. The "contentment" that you have been craving for? That'll never come. As long as there's something you're not afraid to lose, and desperate to have, that thing you call "contentment" is as good as gone.

You might as well hit your face with a brick if you think that a lavish, materialistic life is all you need. It's nice to have high ambitions and goals that you're heading for & working hard for, but is that really all there is? Imagine yourself in a high rise condominium hotel, with a kick ass job that you love that offers good money and pays the bills. But there's nobody else with you. Imagine.

Now I want you to forget that image & think of that one thing you really want, that money cannot buy. Think of that one person (or more if you prefer) that you want to share it with. To thank them for everything they've done to you that made you the person that you are today, and the individual that you strive to be. Imagine their faces, imagine the warmth it gives you. Isn't that nicer?

Getting to spend my Grandpa's 80th birthday today made me thought of this. I don't need to spoil myself with material things. Material things will never fill the gap that is meant for family, and the relationships that go with it. An Iphone does not have the ability to make you feel a mother's hug whenever you miss her. A laptop will never cry nor laugh with you whenever you share something happening in your life.

These are the things that are meant to stay in our minds whenever we are too busy in reaching our aspirations. No matter how crazy or how pretentious it may seem, it's nice to keep your head above the clouds, but your feet placed firmly on the ground. Day by day these little things are what keep us home. They make us stay true to ourselves & who we really are. Never forget to appreciate them.

--

After spending three summer days in one of my provincial hometowns, I've been very anxious to start writing all about my memorable experiences there. Getting to spend it with my family has been a real blessing, The last time I was able to visit Zambales probably was 4 years ago--and A LOT has changed since.

Through the years  I've been so focused in my academics and social life, always busy, not being aware of how important it is to just stop for a while, and look back to the place I grew up in that turned me into the person I am today. The simplicity of life in Zambales was absolutely that one thing that taught me how to be grateful for the little things in life. Little things that make me genuinely happy.

I love how everything about the Zambales I knew changed, but the beach itself didn't. I love how the way I remembered the breathtaking view stayed the same. I love how the sound of the waves simultaneously crashing into the shore reminded me of my childhood, those days where the 7 year old me just didn't care about anything, but that beach. 

As soon as I got off the van the first thing I looked forward to was the beach. Of course my grandparents were there, enthusiastic as usual. But the beach made the eight hours of traveling really worth it. It took the stress away. "Forget about your final grades or your boyfriend back home," I thought, "just enjoy the view for a minute".

From that point everything not related to Zambales was blocked out of my mind. All I wanted was to get on that swing--the swing that my grandma made back when I was little--and just do nothing, absolutely nothing. I want to breathe, and I really mean breathe, not a sigh nor a scoff, just breathe. 

The place was really warm. No doubt we spent our summers here when I was young. I never knew why we stopped going here in the first place. 

The ambiance was really different, but in a good way. It makes you forget about the heavy traffic, the street noises, all the things that make you feel stressed out. 

I conditioned myself that I'm going to make the best out of my vacation here. No matter what it takes. I'm going to let Zambales take me, even just for a few days.