Black & White

"One fine day, it will be your turn. You will leave homes, cities, and countries to pursue grander ambitions. You will leave friends, lovers, and possibilities for the chance to roam the world and make deeper connections. You will defy your fear of change, hold your head high and do what you once thought was unthinkable:walk away. And it will be scary. At first. 

But what I hope you'll find in the end is that in leaving, 

you don't just find love, adventure or freedom. 

More than anything, you find you".

P.S.: May you also find peace in reading my blog x

10 reasons why I told myself not to trust you, but you proved me wrong anyway

1. Serious-minded

Six or seven years of knowing you, this side of yours just never failed to find it's way of pissing me off every, single, time. Something fun comes up, you're always there to burst the bubble. Giving "us" a third shot was not on my priority list four years ago. You were always serious, always focusing on the reality, always on the negative. Yet look at me now, coming back to you like a magnet that is helplessly attracted to a shiny metal plate. The fact that you have always been so serious when it comes to our relationship, never failed to make me feel safe every, single, time. I always questioned myself if I really deserved that kind of security from you. I guess I am still finding the right answer until now. And for that, thank you.

2. Timid

For a guy who's not a basketball player, and says that he's way out of my league, being timid cannot be denied on this one. You told me before that if you compared yourself to my past boyfriends, you'd never really fit to the standards. And you asked me why I settled with you. Well my answer is this, you may not be a 6 footer basketball player body builder junkie in other people's eyes, but to me you're way more than that. Out of all those boys I've dated, you're the only one who knew that the only solution to my problems is one box of chili beef yumpanadas. You're the only guy who discovered my bipolar love for lesbians, hence, orange is the new black. You're the person, literally the only person, who gave me a bouquet made out of bacon. And for that, thank you.

3. Superficial

I guess you got this trait growing up in an environment with such different philosophies with mine. This was our latest struggle as a couple. We just couldn't agree. I told myself that if it's not in your vocabulary to respect my views as a person then I should end it. It took me three sleepless nights, a bottle of alcohol and a box of cigarettes, before we made up, and believe me it was torture. That was the only way I know to get through our problem. You being superficial, I just had to accept it. The same way you accepted mine. Even though it was way beyond your understanding, we got through. And for that, thank you. 

4. Immature

This I'm sure I cannot get rid of. We had our bad days and the good. But nothing compares to putting up with your silly knock knock jokes that made me question and reevaluate my life choices. Our past two relationships ended mainly because of this reason. You were just too immature, or maybe I was too. You get mad over the smallest issues that weren't supposed to be there in the first place. But now I find it's purpose. Your trait always turns my day around. I'm bored, you tell me a joke. I'm on my period, you tell me jokes about my menstrual cycle. I'm mad at you, you think of the corniest joke that ever existed just to make me laugh and avoid the argument. And for that, thank you.

5. Impatient

I think this is the most accurate way of describing you in one word. You are so impatient about everything. Specifically when we have to go out and you suddenly get strict about what time are we going to leave. You get pissed when I do not comply with your "time is gold" bullcrap. But there are other things that make you adorable when your patience runs out. A: When we haven't "porked" in a couple of weeks. B: When you haven't watched porn in a couple of days. C: When I haven't replied to your message in a couple of hours. I know I told you I hate the clingy type, but I'm thinking of changing my mind after six months of being in a weird relationship with you. And for that, thank you. 

6. Tightfisted

I mean just because you have a Chinese surname does not mean you have to live up to it. My past relationships included boys with Chinese surnames too and they were also as tightfisted as you. They all did not worked out, so I said to myself, why bother risking it again with you? I found a counter-statement. You were tightfisted about some things, but definitely not the attention you showered me with. You were always there, whatever the scenario is. And for that, thank you. 

7. You always speak your mind

Unlike other guys, you have your own philosophy. It may not go along well with the norm, which obviously sets you apart from the typical guys. At first I was threatened. I was always used to being the dominant one in the relationship. I was always told that I should be the one doing the thinking. In this case, it was different. Although you told me that you wouldn't limit my habits nor my views, even though it contradicted with yours. I loved the way that even though we speak from different POVs, we always tend to meet in the middle. You speak, yet you listen, and we compromise. And for that, thank you. 

8. Self-conscious 

(See "timid") Forget the insecurities. You managed to put up with me, when other people didn't. You were able to dig into my five layers of loath, anger, mistrust, hatred and self-doubt. If I were you I would consider that a lifetime achievement. You've done enough. And for that, thank you.

9. Stubborn

You. Are. So. Stubborn. You refuse to change your mind and stick with your values. At first I found it hard to keep up with a guy like you. Like I said, you were different. Probably that's why I picked you. I found a guy worth keeping because he has his own standards. Hopefully I fit right into his, just like he fits right into mine. I just wanted to let you know that whoever you are now, I am willing to accept it. And if you ever make changes to yourself, I will willingly support them. And whatever choice you make in the future, I got your back 100 percent. I'm pretty sure you'd do the same for me. And for that, thank you. 

10. Hard headed

(See "stubborn") This is pretty much why I never get bored with you. I told you before that I easily get tired with my past boyfriends who did nothing but the cliche stuff. You got nervous and I told you, you were stupid enough to think that it might happen to us too. I said it once and I'm saying it again, no matter how many times we give this thing a chance and get back together again, I will never get tired of you. I hope you will never get tired of me too. You are the most hard headed person I know, (except my dogs who are way more hard headed than you), and for that, thank you. 

"If I could put all my past lovers and every single person who's ever hurt me in a single room, I would run to you over and over again. If I had someone to break my heart all the times they've dented mine, I would choose you to set it on fire and shatter it every time. I would choose you the moment I open my eyes and I would choose you when the alcohol is in my system. I choose you the moment the melatonin knocks me out and I choose you when I am lonely on a rainy day. I choose you when I am frustrated in a research paper and I choose you when I need to bawl over the death of my favorite characters. I will always choose you. And I will still choose you even when you don't choose me" 

‘Reinventing Rescuing’

References: 

Berlin art-parasites

Photo by: Heather Mclean

Dear Future Daughter

References:

Berlin art-parasites

Photo by: Kate Powell

appreciate the little things

One thing I love the most about random days is that they make you feel nostalgic. They make you realize how you have been ungrateful for the things you had, you have, and will get a hold of in the future. The "contentment" that you have been craving for? That'll never come. As long as there's something you're not afraid to lose, and desperate to have, that thing you call "contentment" is as good as gone.

You might as well hit your face with a brick if you think that a lavish, materialistic life is all you need. It's nice to have high ambitions and goals that you're heading for & working hard for, but is that really all there is? Imagine yourself in a high rise condominium hotel, with a kick ass job that you love that offers good money and pays the bills. But there's nobody else with you. Imagine.

Now I want you to forget that image & think of that one thing you really want, that money cannot buy. Think of that one person (or more if you prefer) that you want to share it with. To thank them for everything they've done to you that made you the person that you are today, and the individual that you strive to be. Imagine their faces, imagine the warmth it gives you. Isn't that nicer?

Getting to spend my Grandpa's 80th birthday today made me thought of this. I don't need to spoil myself with material things. Material things will never fill the gap that is meant for family, and the relationships that go with it. An Iphone does not have the ability to make you feel a mother's hug whenever you miss her. A laptop will never cry nor laugh with you whenever you share something happening in your life.

These are the things that are meant to stay in our minds whenever we are too busy in reaching our aspirations. No matter how crazy or how pretentious it may seem, it's nice to keep your head above the clouds, but your feet placed firmly on the ground. Day by day these little things are what keep us home. They make us stay true to ourselves & who we really are. Never forget to appreciate them.

These walls weren't meant to keep people out

Did you ever experience something that made you feel less worthy? Something that made you cry at 3 in the morning questioning yourself why are you the way that you are? Or even blaming that one thing you did 3 years ago on a Monday afternoon and wishing that if you could just turn back time you would do the exact opposite? You ever meet that person, that time bomb, that completely and tremendously turned your world upside down? I did.

The last time I let my guard down for something was out of love, out of the rational thing, out of my league. He came to me so fast that he crashed into me like waves. He was uncontrollable, yet pleasing to the eyes. His words were sweet, like any other teenage girl would describe them. His actions made me melt, and I gave in so quickly I had no other choice but to go with it. I was in love, or at least I thought I was.

3 years later I look at that moment as a scar. Like something that I would never do, ever again. It was intensely traumatic that it changed the way I see the world. I built up these walls not to keep people out, but to keep me safe. Everything was at peace, and the thought of bringing those walls down, never came into my mind, not even once. I was in control of everything. I was above everything, & I liked the view from the top.

Little did I know that these walls that were supposed to keep me safe, isolated me from the wonders that I have yet to experience. I thought I had it all. Gambling with affection and the lies that came with it. The sense of dominance I had when I was leading people on. Those nights of endless numbness, that I thought was strength. I was insane to think that that was the way I was supposed to see the world. Wrong was an understatement.

This guy came, no, this knight came, destroying my walls down. It was petrifying, but it somehow soothed the crying girl inside me. The first time the light touched the ground I was terrified. "Fuck, you ruined everything." But as soon as the light scattered on those shattered pieces, I realized how beautiful it was. He made me realize my self-worth. I fell in love, not with him, but with the way I see the world whenever he's around. 

He was another time bomb. But this time, I was willing to take the risk of him exploding in my arms. And when you find that certain person, whether it be a knight or a king, never let him go. 

RDM

12:04 AM

4 24 15

Five Day Challege: Young Blood

Seeking Relevance

Joseph Giancarlo C. Agdamag

A couple of years ago, fresh from the laid-back world of college, I started a blog. At first I didn’t know what to write about. My first few posts ranged from mundane rants to highfalutin sentiments (or so I thought). In fact, my WordPress ID was snooty (read: thoughtologist).

Eventually I found my niche, and concentrated on fashion blogging. I decided to critique the new collections of brands and fashion houses and to curate the really good ones according to my taste. To satisfy my readers’ visual appetite, and also to entice new ones, I created a Lookbook account. It helped that I was really into fashion and I liked dressing up.

But law school became more demanding and after actively blogging for almost a year, I stopped posting updates. It was regrettable as things were taking off (or so I thought). I had begun to receive invites to events and product launches, in exchange for spreading the news on my own network.

Fast-forward to the present. I laugh whenever I remember that phase in my life. Truth be told, I tried to pass myself off as some sort of a fashion blogger not really because of my interest in fashion, or even my passion for writing, but because I was trying to be relevant.

In this day and age when one’s influence is measured by the number of “likes” an Instagram post generates, or by the number of one’s Twitter followers, fitting in has become a lot harder. Social media is now regarded as a ticket to success and, in most instances, a key to fame and fortune.

Let’s admit it: You can’t be considered cool unless you have an active online presence. The more invested you are in social media, the cooler you are seen to be. The name of the game is popularity; the rules of the game are limitless. It’s a matter of being in the scene.

Social networking has pervaded our lives to the point that the distinctions between our personal and virtual spaces have so blurred that you can’t make distinctions anymore. The subjects of conversation are now shaped by what’s trending online.

It does not end there. Another confusion—between what’s real and what’s imagined—has been created. Social media takes us to another dimension—a world that may in fact not be grounded in reality. Since we have control over our own accounts, we can choose what to post online and, therefore, dictate what we want others to see and think about us.

Naturally, what we choose to post are enhanced versions of ourselves. Think of it as a digital marketing plan: We decide on what personality we want to project—artsy dude, privileged kid, know-it-all intellectual, carefree party-goer, wannabe hipster, etc.—and through liking, tweeting, or sharing, the grand plan is executed. Our online personas are transformed into virtual résumés. Through social media, we are able to sell ourselves.

Not that this approach is entirely flawed. After all, whether we accept it or not, we do this in order to seek relevance. We try our best to please others, so that we may find ourselves worthy of being accepted into the evolving notion of a person relevant to society.

Ultimately, social media is power. What were once unimaginable can now become great possibilities. This is where we must hold ourselves responsible to utilize its potential for the greater good, and not just our self-serving whims. But that’s easier said than done.

Thus, the real challenge is to live out what we project online in the best way we can, with no pretensions. It should be the other way around—the virtual merely mirroring real life—but the prevailing setup dictates otherwise.

And this is what I propose: that whatever we decide to imbibe virtually, we should strive hard to transform into reality. By doing so, we restore the balance between what is real and what is imagined, and we reach the perfect version of what we want to become.

Source: Philippine Daily Inquirer

Five Day Challenge: Young Blood

Almost

Chlarine M. Gianan

You and I were asymptotes—almost crossing. Almost intersecting. Almost meeting. Almost becoming friends. Almost talking. But we never did.

But one day, those “almost’s” became “did’s.” We did cross paths. Did become friends. Did talk.

I became cautious and wary of you walking into my life because I knew we had never met; I was always remembering you in the back of my mind. You were the constant companion of my first love, my one-time confidant when I liked someone stupidly. You were almost always there for me, but you would get away. You would leave, God knows why.

And then you stayed. You introduced me to a TV show, I introduced you to tea concoctions. It wasn’t hard to relate because you were genuinely kind and we shared this common ground of friends and almost lovers. We belonged to one atmosphere, which made it easier for us to establish a friendship.

It always felt easy to talk to you because I never met you; I was only getting to know you over and over again. I was remembering if you were the same person who, knowing that I had made the—so far—biggest mistake of my life, sent a direct message to me on Twitter to make sure I was okay during my darkest days. I was recalling if you were the same human being who asked me to buy a toy from McDonald’s for his nephew, if you were the almost friend who knew most of my “almost’s” in life.

And yes, you were still that person. But then you became so much more.

There came a time when I almost liked you, and my high school best friend was a witness to that. She told me: “I’m warning you. If your first love’s messy, this one’s messier. Look at the paths you two have gone through. Look at the people you loved. Look at him—he would always almost happen to you. Now he is. But what if one day he stops happening? What if life takes him away?” I tried to listen. I almost wanted to never reply to you anymore, almost wanted to stop talking to you, almost wanted to trash those feelings because I found them stupid.

I almost forgot about the shows, songs, and movies we talked about. The “20 questions” games we never finished. The feeling that at the end of the day, you’d always be the one I wanted to talk to about the food my classmates and I cooked, the jokes my teacher cracked, the books I read, the people I grew fond of, the true friends I made during RSPC.

I almost left you the way my first love trashed me, but I chose not to.

That’s the thing about pain: It may hurt partly because we’re there to experience the aftermath of our decisions and actions, but it does cause a pang in our chest because we choose to feel it. We choose to get hurt along with the choice of risking our heart to love.

I chose you to stay. I chose to like you. I chose you—that’s the bottom line.

You’d almost break my heart every time we wanted to meet up but never did. But then we would.

I almost didn’t feel content during my birthday. I almost believed that my friends deceived me that you’d be there to greet me face to face. But then you actually came.

You, of all people whom I can meet in this world, became mine to be the turner of my “almost’s” into affirmations. You became the “yes” to my “maybe,” the certainty to my doubts. And now we’re friends. Are we almost there? If we are, you ought to know what happens to us and the word “almost”—they can become a resounding “yes.”

Oh, well. Let’s cross the bridge when we’re almost there.

Source: Philippine Daily Inquirer

To the guy who made me feel good again

Timing really is a funny thing, isn't it? Good things always happen when you least expect them. Sometimes, you don't realize something good even when it's right in front of you.

You helped me remember that I deserve to be treated right, and that's exactly what you did for me. 

You are a perfect gentleman--a breed I didn't know existed anymore because of how badly I was treated in the past. 

So I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for respecting me. Thank you for helping me realize my worth. 

References:

Essay: Gianna Banzon // Cosmo.ph

Photo: Berlin art-parasites

Love, Rosie

                

References:

Book: Cecilia Ahern

Photo: Henrietta Harris

On Love and Loving

Essay by Jonathan V. Gochuico

Love always comes unexpectedly. It is never planned. It just happens. It just unfolds. It just drives on to see how life would become with the beloved. As such, the very reason why it's challenging remains undetermined: the wait, the unpredictability, or the probability of living one's pathetic life alone.

As much as I want to be philosophical about it, the fact remains that I could not because love is a reality that defies logic. It is just consistently inconsistent. You'd never know what you'd gonna get. Loving is just like an invitation to a buffet--everything is there, enticing you to take a bite.

You get some, bite some, eat some, and spit some. That's life, that's love, and that's loving.

There's actually nothing that can define love as everything just depends on taste and subjectivity. It's like getting the horror of your life upon discovering that behind an almost Edward Cullen or a Jacob Black-like description of someone is a frog.

It can never be argued that love is something felt; thus, it requires no explanation. Faithfulness and honesty are sometimes not reciprocated.

Loving does not mean being loved back.

Love is either blind or sees more.

You're either happy because you're loving, or you're loving that's why you're happy.

                 

References:
Essay: Walking you through reading and writing; Pilot edition
Photo: Brooke DiDonato